The Lord recently said through a prophet at church, that if you're ashamed of your hometown, or where you're from, then He can't use you to bless and heal all those in that specific locale that He purposely placed you in. You must accept your place (past and present.)
So, I'm not gonna let fear hold me back from letting the Lord use me to bless His people.. My testimony is that I went from loving God to being hooked by porn, to thinking I might be homosexual, bisexual, to being straight, and back to God again.
I was always interested in church and God as a kid, it always amazed me. I loved the feeling I got and how safe/comfortable I felt in Spirit-filled places. I lived under my Grandparents prayers for a while. I knew there were things I wasn't supposed to do (so I didn't do them), thanks to a spiritual family even though I didn't actually read much myself, and we only went to church a couple times out of a year. So I had a form of righteousness, and I was a great kid by the world's standards (didn't cuss, didn't do anything sexually, etc.), but I had no foundation so I still swayed with the currents of what everyone else did and whoever seemed cool to me said was right and when there were attacks on my faith or questions of sin, I didn't know how to answer.
The first time I ever saw pornography was on an orchestra trip at the end of the year in 9th grade. We went to San Antonio and stayed in a hotel and for the first time I started hearing the types of conversation that hormonal teenagers have. (Prior to, I was always called innocent--which I HATED at the time-- btw so I really didn't know much about all this) The more they talked, the more I thought there was something wrong with me because I hadn't done or even thought of half of what they had (come to find out now that there was something wrong with them, but I had no basis or foundation to my faith, so it didn't protect me from sin). They talked about there being something on HBO that night and something told me not to watch but I did anyways. BAD idea.
This led to a very bad and tough journey through that world of lust and into a pornography addiction (which led to thinking that I might be gay) and bad mindsets. Nobody knew about all the issues swirling in my mind, although they were obvious. It seemed as though I could never just relax, my mom would always say "Ryan, you're always thinking.. What is on your mind". All these things were going on in complete silence and secrecy because 1) I did not want ANYONE to know bc they'd look at me funny, and 2) I knew the bible said it was wrong, and I trusted that God who created all the world and had blessed me thus far knew what He was talking about. 3) I liked girls, but I was confused about alot of things. Therefore NO ONE was told ANY of this. But, It rode on me almost to death (I hated it so much, but I couldn't rid myself of it.) I started feeling depressed and started wishing I was gone, and that was what drove me to God. The devil was using everything he had.
However, God used what Satan meant to kill me to call me. This spiral which led me further into the belief of the whole "if it feels right, then do it" foolishness, called me to be serious in my relationship with God if I ever wanted to get free from this trap I had been caught in.
In tenth grade (after the most stressful and exhausting school year of my life) I was baptized and began reading my bible (for answers on how to get free) but it still did not work. I prayed more than I ever had before and slowly I began to change, I could go longer periods of time without jumping back to the comp. But then I'd binge. This continued through my junior year, although I began to do it less due to different things.
I continued to pray and He healed me more and more. Senior year, I still had these thoughts, although they were way less often than before and I could push them off mostly. Me and ex-gf got back together and everything seemed all good. Things were going right (outwardly) I was juggling everything correctly, grades were going back up, but there was still something wrong and I knew it, bc I was acting too much. And although we did not have sex, things bothered me about the purity of the relationship. 4 more months, we broke up again, God grew larger in my life, etc. And this year I finally had a christian friend to show me how to really be a Christian, so things began to go well.
ALRIGHT finally this school year (09-10). At the beginning of the first semester (09) I still had trouble with lusts until one day I was sick of it and said "GOD WHY ME!? HELP ME!", and He said back "I need you to feed my sheep, those who need a way out and help getting free." And He set my heart completely and totally on Him (and not to mention freed me), to the point that my goal in life is to be His favored instrument and to bless others (whether its through my experiences or whatever) however I can as much as I can. So, I know for a fact, whatever you're going through, it's not over, and if you cling to Him, you will be freed. The quicker you decide to put Him first, the sooner you will be healed and fulfilled. I've been on the fast track ever since, He's perfecting me daily and I now trust Him with my all and everything within me! Although I am free from this one I'm not saying there will be no more struggles, but there is nothing He can't handle.
God Bless and live free through His Mercy and Peace
Ryan
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